I'm baaack....

Wow, it's been a long time since I've posted on here and my whole life is so different now than it was almost five years ago.

First of, I managed to lose a bunch of weight and am down to about 152, eight pounds less than my goal weight of 160.  I look pretty good, if I do say so myself.

I also got divorced in May of this year.  Kenin and I had a lot of good years but we also had a number of not great years so we separated in April, 2017.  Please don't shed any tears...  I didn't.  I'm very happy being on my own and have been enjoying the single life.

I've been dating a lot and have decided that I don't know that I'll ever be monogamous again.  I believe in love, but not necessarily that I'll find it again.  I don't mean that in a bad way, either.  On the plus side, I've been seeing someone for almost year now and I waffle back and forth between trying to decide if it's love (or could be at some point) but as of right now, it's just whatever it is.

I was fired from Dish earlier this year, but that was definitely a blessing in disguise because I never knew how miserable I was there until I left.  The said that I was termed due to poor performance but it was awfully suspicious when they didn't even tell my manager they were firing me and waited until a day he was off to do the deed.  I felt pretty vindicated when they appealed my unemployment and they lost.  It was particularly gratifying to hear my old manager say that when I was fired that I was meeting expectations.

Ashlyn and boyfriend are now Ashlyn and husband, which is pretty awesome.  It's been almost 9 years for them and while they haven't given me a grandchild yet, I do have a granddog, which is pretty cool.  But make no mistake, I'm still holding out for a human.

Jena is in the process of getting divorced and in addition to my three amazing grandsons, she's finally giving me a GRANDDAUGHTER in December.  All I have to say is that it's about damn time.

Patrick is living in Texas with his bio mom and is doing really well from what I hear.

Hunter has his own place here in Denver and is struggling with addiction, so please send him some good thoughts, light and love, especially since we just found out some life changing news.

Now that I'm back into this, I imagine it's going to go more in the direction of kind of a diary, so folks, it's no holds barred.  I didn't really hold back before, but now I'm REALLY not going to hold back.

nope, I'm still here

I swear I have Attention Deficit Disorder.  The older I get, the harder it is to keep a thought in my head for any longer than it takes me to think it.  It used to not be quite so bad because I'd just write things down, but now I don't even remember to write stuff down!  Ugh.  Getting older bites.

And speaking of getting older...  Courtesy of Jena, I get to become a Nana for a 2nd time at the end of May.  Or, first of June.  You know how those babies can be, doing their own thing and all, without a care when it comes to other folks' schedules.

Ashlyn moved out a couple months ago, and I've gotta tell you, it's pretty nice but weird at the same time.  She and Boyfriend come over sometimes for dinner and it's great to see her growing up in a way that she wouldn't have if she'd remained here.  And another awesome benefit of her moving out?  I now have a Woman Cave!

my girl

political porn? you be the judge.

On my handy dandy I-can-tell-where-you-came-from device, I've discovered that an awful lot of people find this website because they're looking for a picture of Ashley Biden, the daughter of Senator Joe Biden. The thing is, I'm not really sure why. I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but in the picture I've seen of her, she's not exactly worthy of political porn or anything. (In my defense, I have exceptionally high standards, so it's possible some folks think she's good looking.) But will somebody PLEASE tell me why you want to see her? I'm just about the most perplexed I've been since they decided to let Shannon Doherty become part of the cast of the 90210 spin-off/sequel.

++++++++++++++++++++

Ashlyn's dad bought her a car for her 17th birthday and they are driving, as I type, from Georgia to Colorado. My Ex is going to be staying with us until next weekend so that he can hang with Ash and experience some of the great things that Colorado has to offer. Pretty much everyone that I know thinks it's strange that he's staying with us, but folks, I'm telling you that it works out just great for us. The Ex is a great guy who was a great husband, just not the guy for me. He's been an incredible father who goes way above and beyond to take care of and be in the the life of his child. In all honesty, I don't think we've had a fight the entire time we've been divorced (15 years). He and Kenin get along well, and even Hunter calls him Uncle. As far as exes go, I couldn't have asked for a better one. But anyway, the point is that we've managed to put everything aside for the sake of our daughter, and I think (pat me on the back - just kidding) that's pretty damn cool.

happy birthday, pet

Just a year ago I wrote about the differences between me and Ashlyn. It seemed strange to me at the time because she was just turning 16. Well today she's turning 17, and it feels okay.

In the last year, Ashlyn's grown up a lot. Now I'm not going to say that she's perfect because as any parent knows, it doesn't matter how great a kid is, they're still gonna suck from time to time. But overall, she's a good almost-adult. She's taken on a lot of responsibility for her brothers, (Patrick in particular) and has managed to get A's and B's in school while babysitting all day. She's not a typical teenager in that she is kind of a homebody, even though she gets to go and do most anytime she wants. And she's always home on time, even now that she has her DRIVERS LICENSE. She helps out when she knows I'm having a rough day and often amazes me by just being herself.

There are times when I see the child in her still, although they're increasingly fewer and farther between. More often now I see glimpses of the adult she is becoming and I'm not sure some days how I feel about that. I'm not having a problem letting her grow up; I think I've done a decent job of teaching her the things that are important, and if I haven't, well it's a little late to be starting now, isn't it?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I love ya, Pet. You have your life in front of you and I hope you know that we're all behind you. You rock.

And This Is Why I Stay Away Fom NASCAR Races

Thursday morning Ashlyn left to visit her dad in Georgia for 10 days. For me, that means 10 glorious, teenager-free days. For Ash and her dad, that means 5 of those 10 days will be spent sleeping with God knows how many other friends and relatives in an RV parked in the infield of the Atlanta Motor Speedway. I couldn't do it because I'm such a homebody that I prefer to be away from home for no longer than, say, oh, 12 hours or so. But they love it for some odd reason. And I mean they really love it. They take off work, fly Ashy down special just for the occasions (October and March, in case you're wondering how often the track gets a major workout), and make a big shindig out of it.

Anyway, Ash called me this morning, totally unapologetic about the fact that it was only 8 am, so that she could tell me it was snowing in Atlanta. Snow. In. Atlanta. During. A. NASCAR. Weekend. Hmph! Of all the nerve! I have to admit to a certain amount of satisfaction in the fact that my beautiful child refused to pack a coat because, "Mom, it's going to be 75 degrees down there!" Apparently there is such a thing as poetic justice after all.

While she was standing outside the RV and we were talking about the weather, she remarked to someone standing near her that "Well, at least Bill has a shirt on now." That sounded just a wee bit odd so I asked her what she was talking about. She said that the only things "Bill" ever wore while they were at the races were boxer shorts and cowboy boots. I could feel my head begin to explode just a little bit as I wondered if this was the same guy who, last October, was so drunk that he fell off the roof of the RV.

UPDATE: According to Ashlyn, no, Bill is not the same person who got drunk and fell off the RV. My thought though, is that now I know for sure that there are two idiots out there instead of just the one. Scary, no?

And To Accomplish That Goal...

Ashlyn was filling out a job application that asked that she tell a little more about herself. After deciding what she wanted to say, she spoke aloud as she wrote, "My long term goal is to attend culinary school or work with children." Kenin, in the background, was heard to say, "And to accomplish that goal, I plan on working as a cook in an elementary school." I think she may have been a little offended by that comment, but I was laughing too hard to be sure.

One More Thing Done And Over With

Last Tuesday Kenin finally had his hip resurfacing operation. It's been a long time coming, but we're so glad it's finally done. He came home from the hospital on Friday and although he's yet to make it upstairs (except to take a shower), he's doing pretty good. He can only be on his feet for about 10 minutes without being in major pain, but from what we understand, that's pretty much par for the course. Tomorrow he'll have a physical therapist come to the house and will start what I think will be - or at least feel like - some pretty intense therapy. Last week Kenin's boss said that he'd stop by and pick Kenin up and take him to work tomorrow, but if he's not really well enough to leave the house for therapy, then he damn sure won't be going to work, will he? Even if he shows up, he'll have to go through me and I outweigh the man by a good 30 pounds (being fat has it's advantage every now and then) so I'm not too worried.

Ashlyn went to Georgia on Saturday to spend a couple of weeks with her Dad and when I spoke with her today she was a bit shocked to learn that even though we had 70 degree weather yesterday, we had 6 inches of snow today. I told her we missed her, if for no other reason than we needed someone to shovel the snow.

Speaking of snow, our 3 legged cat, Angelo, meowed like hell to go outside this afternoon after the snow stopped. I finally let him out just to teach him a lesson. He bounded through the door with great abandon. The great abandon stopped though, about 2 feet from the door, when he quickly realized a couple of things: 1) My big fat belly is dragging through this cold, wet, white stuff and 2) This stuff is cold and wet. He immediately wanted to come back inside, so Angelo's Adventure in the Snow lasted all of about 45 seconds.

Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus

Today, as Ash and I sat munching some yummy sammiches at Panera Bread, I saw something I didn't even know existed. Wait, scratch that. It was more like two someones doing something that until now I'd never heard of, much less actually seen in all of my 30-something years. Are you sitting down? I hope so, because you may just fall slap to the floor if you're not.

I heard two men talking about a relationship! Now, I don't mean that one of them said, "I told her to get me a beer before she went out to mow the lawn," and the other one replied that he "Should've told her to bring a whole six pack, because did you see that game? It was almost as good as the tractor pull at the county fair last year." No, I mean these two men were talking the way that women talk, with feelings and everything! It was almost scary. Now, you might be thinking that perhaps these two gentlemen might not have been of the heterosexual persuasion, which could be why they were talking so, well, girly-like. Well, the thought crossed my mind, too, so I listened a little harder. It didn't take long to ferret out that they were saying she and marriage quite a lot (way more than even gay men say 'girlfriend'), so that blew that scenario right out of the water.

Anyway, my point is that although I'm sure two men talking about relationships doesn't happen all that often (because you know if it did, women would already know about it and this would not be news I felt the need to share), I'm damn glad it's happening at all. Maybe after all those years of training our men to listen and to feel and to share, they've finally gotten the message!

What a week it's been!

Yes, I know I haven't posted. And to be honest, I'm sure that bothers me way more than it bothers the 2 other people who read this blog. I swear I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. But I kind of want to.

The last two weeks have been, well, a bit rough. I won't go through what happened last week except to say that I was very tired, what with having an actual job again. That first week is a killer. It's not like I was sleeping in over the summer or anything, unless you count 7 am as 'sleeping in'. But my gawd, it was those damn kids at work! I'd forgotten how exhausting chasing around a group of developmentally disabled can be. Ugh. I'm a bit more acclimated to it now, but I'm really glad that week is over, not that this week has been much better.

So, this week, Monday night to be exact, I drag Ash, Hunter, and Patrick to David's Bridal to have her dress for Jena's wedding altered. The seamstress - do people still use that word? - shortened the straps, pinned the booby cup things in, and began looking at the waistline of the dress with a funny look. Just for the sake of argument, we'll call it a skeptical look. Now, a skeptical look coming from a seamstress as she looks at an already-paid-for-all-sales-are-final-and-don't-you-even-think-about-asking-for-a-refund dress just scares me. I walk over to them just in time to hear her tell Ashy that 'we can't fix that'. Surely I misunderstood her. Totally channelling a very irate black woman from New York City at that moment, I tried to be calm as she tells me that because of the way the fabric is cut (on the bias, as if that means anything at all to me), if they try to correct the fact that seam isn't straight or flat, it will only make it worse. I guess she saw the look on my face because at that point, she hurried off to find her boss. Bosslady comes and after an equally skeptical look at the dress, she informs me that that is, in fact, the case. You could say that it was at that point that I was about this close to being livid. After calmly explaining that we'd been told by the idiot (No, I didn't really use that word. But I wanted to.) sales person that their alterations department could 'fix anything, anything at all', it was suggested to me that I might want to speak with the manager, who might be able to arrange a little somethin' somethin' to correct the situation. Long story short (okay, not really short, but at least shortER), we ended up being able to ORDER A DIFFERENT DRESS. I know they're going to try to stick it to me with a rush alteration fee, but I'd be surprised if they manage to succeed. At any rate, with a little luck, we should have a new dress by September 1st, which leaves just over 2 weeks to have it altered.

Short and sweet: Tuesday night, we had to go pick up Hunter's violin (not an instrument I'm excited about, or ever expected him to want to play), so, once again, I drug Ash and Patrick along, too. It was a huge cattle call thing, and it sucked, to say the least. My salesperson was not only incompetent, but an idiot as well, and not only could he not fill out the rental application, I doubt he could find his own butt without considerable help. Wednesday night I attended orientation at Arapahoe Community College, without, thankfully, children in tow. It once again made for a long day, but was at least interesting and without incident. Well, the lights went out because of a storm, but after the week I've had, that doesn't count.

Songs That Speak to Me

Redneck Woman by hell-yes-I'm-a-redneck-and-damn-proud-of-it-thank-you-very-much, Gretchen Wilson. This is me. I can't help it.

Sammy Kershaw's Queen of My Double Wide Trailer. While I've never lived in a double wide, the first place of my own that I had when I moved out of my parents home when I was 17, was a single wide trailer. I don't think double wides had gotten popular yet, if they were even around way back then.

Sweet Home Alabama by the one and only Lynyrd Skynyrd. And I happily admit to carrying my redneck roots around with me - Sweet Home Alabama is the ringtone on my phone.

Blinded by the Light by Manfred Mann's Earth Band is one of those songs that I can listen to (with the volume ALL THE WAY UP, of course) over and over again and never get tired of. And yes, I know ALL the words, even to the extended version of the song. Watch me pat myself on the back as I ask you how many people you know that can say that.

Lone Star's first hit, Amazed. When we first began dating, this was the first song that Kenin ever said made him think of me.

Bitch by Meredith Brooks is the song that I think of when I think of my daughter, Ashlyn. She was only about 4 when it came out and she'd sing it loud and proud, but would leave out the title of it because it was a bad word. She still loves the song and still sings it without the title (at least when she's around me).

Uncle Kracker's Follow Me is one of the first songs my son, Hunter, really liked. He was about 3 years old and sang it to the best of his ability which, bless his little heart, wasn't very well. I think the next song he learned was Lose Yourself by Eminem.

Kid Rock's Cowboy reminds me of Patrick because it's the only song guaranteed to get a smile.

And one last one... Happy Birthday because, well, it's my birthday today.

Ah, to be 16 again!

Just a few differences between my daughter, Ashlyn, who turns 16 today, and myself, who was 16, some almost 22 years ago:

Ashlyn: Scared to death of driving and has no urge to even begin Drivers Ed or her state-mandated 50 hours of adult supervised driving; would much rather mooch rides from me, Kenin, her grandparents, friends, or her boyfriend. This girl will be right at home in the back of a limo should she ever be able to afford one.

Me: Although I was in the nut house on my 16th birthday, at the age of 14 (or was it 15?) I'd already 'borrowed' my parents car (and one belonging to a friend or two as well) and had driven with only my learners permit (and certainly no adult) all around the city of Augusta (GA) and the confines of Ft. Gordon. No, I never got caught by the cops, but feel the need to apologize to my brother, Tom, who got blamed for the time that I parked too close to the curb and ripped the air plug thing from the tire, resulting in the flattest tire ever seen in Kings Chapel Court.

Ashlyn: Has a FABALUSS relationship with her mother (AKA me), if I do say so myself. We talk about EVERYTHING, we bond (particularly over TV and food), and we hang out. She actually likes me, so I've decided to keep her. At least until she turns 18.

Me: Had a not-so-good relationship with my step-mom at the age of 16. Not-so-good is actually much better than my relationship with her prior to me being in the nut house. Don't get the idea that she was an evil stepmonster or anything, because she wasn't. I was just a butthead. The big turning point for me? When Ashlyn was born, my step-mom (now just known as MOM, 'cause she IS) accepted Ashy as her own grandchild. She's a great lady, and I love her bunches.

Ashlyn: Petite, skinny, and disgustingly shapely little stick of a child who eats, or grazes, all the time. I don't know who she got it from, 'cause I never looked like her when I was growing up, or even anytime after that. Ashy actually TRIES to gain weight if she goes below 105. How cool is that? Anorexia is NOT in her future. Her typical order from McDonalds (her favorite food place and where she works. Convenient, no?) is a Southwest Chicken Salad with extra dressing if you please, a Hot n' Spicy Chicken sandwich (or sammich, as we Southerners like to say) with extra lettuce and extra mayo, and a large strawberry shake. She complains her boobs are too small, but I keep telling her that at least they won't sag to her belly button when she gets older.

Me: An average sized child until about the age of 10 or so, I began to pack on the pounds after my mother died. I was a plump teenager (having the munchies during my druggie years prior to the nut house years didn't help much, either) and managed to become a plump adult. With the exception of a year before I got pregnant with Ashlyn and the year before I got pregnant with Hunter, I've always had a little extra skin hanging around. Since I can no longer have kids, I can't imagine I'll ever be slender again. Not that I'm complaining (much). I have to admit, Ashy definitely got her enjoyment of food from me.

Ashlyn: Works at McDonalds and actually LIKES it, and not just for the almost free food that she gets. She looked for a job for several months before she could find someone who would hire her, since she was only 15 at the time, and was thrilled to finally get hired. She worked her first Mickey D's birthday party last weekend, and her manager said that she wants her to do all the parties from now on. She's also training people, so she must be doing okay. I'm glad she likes it, but will most definitely have a fit if she were to become a manager. She also VOLUNTEERED to work this summer with me during the last week of ESY (Extended School Year, or summer school) with special needs kids. How many 15 year olds do you know that have been hired by the 2nd largest school district in Colorado to work with special needs kids? Do you not see how wonderful my daughter is?

Me: Although I was in the nut house at 16 (are you seeing the trend?), my first job was at the age of 15 and was at one of the Augusta-based chain of KFC-type restraunts called Wife Saver. They had good food, especially their shrimp, which you might not expect at a chicken place. But, alas, the shrimp and paychecks were not enough to keep me employed there for more than a couple of months. The lure of hanging out at the bowling alley (Of course, I didn't actually bowl. That would have been un-cool.) and smoking on the steps of the skating rink with my so-called friends was too much. I was too lazy to want to work, and would have most certainly killed any children that came in for a birthday party had they offered that as an option.

So, as you can see, Ashlyn is an incredible young lady. She is the light of my life and I'm so proud that she is so much like me, but so much not like me, too. I love her more than anything, and hope that all parents are lucky enough to enjoy their own children as much as I enjoy mine. Ashlyn, you rock.

In Memory

This morning I had to have my cat, Shadow, put to sleep. Her kidneys were failing, she was going blind, could no longer clean herself, and threw up everyday. Shad was 15 years old, which is quite old for a cat, and was a huge part of my life. She was 6 weeks old when I got her and her sister, Patches, from my friend, Betty Jo. I'd only planned on getting one cat, but they were both so beautiful that I couldn't make up my mind and ended up getting them both. A couple of weeks after I got the girls, I found out I was pregnant with Ashlyn. Usually, at this point of the story, I say the moral is to find out if you might be pregnant before getting a new animal but I think for today, in honor of Shadow, there should be no moral, but instead this simple thought: Love deeply and wholly, because what you give, you will also get in return.

Reflections on Kids and Parenting

Yesterday I spent the day just hanging out with Boogie (aka Ashlyn) watching the tube and being goofy. I feel like we have a pretty good relationship considering she's a teenager. When I was her age, I didn't want a thing to do with my parents and only thought they'd been put on earth to embarrass and bug me. I don't know how typical that is, but that was me (yes, I was a pretty screwed up kid). Ash and I make it a point to spend time together, usually bonding over episodes of Gilmore Girls, shopping, or going out to eat. Ash actually hangs out with me and Kenin in the evenings, talking and watching the tube! I'd have NEVER done that, even if you'd have paid me, so I know I have a decent kid on my hands. Yeah, she gets in trouble some, but what kid doesn't? I look back at the way I was, and she's so much like me, but so different at the same time. I admire the hell out of her. She's her own person and doesn't care what other people say or think. She's not the Follower I was, always trying to fit in somewhere, anywhere, and always with people who used me. I'm proud of her. Speaking of parenting... I have become my parents. Well, not totally, but to a point. As a kid you think your parents are dumb as a box of hair, right? Well, the older you get - especially once you have kiddos of your own - you realize that they weren't so bad after all. My kids have almost every single rule that I had (granted, I broke them all) when I was growing up. I open my mouth and hear my parents voice coming out and sometimes it just astounds me that I was such a complete idiot as a kid. Just like my parents told me, I tell my kids "When you have a child of your own, you'll understand why I do and say the things I do." And you know what? They will. I think the biggest difference between my parenting style and that of my own parents is that I joke and kid and play around with my kids a lot. They know I'm the boss, but Kenin and I act like kids, too, sometimes. We're very open with the kids about things, and they know almost all of those deep, dark secrets of my life. My kids know I got in a lot of trouble growing up, that I was in the nut house for a while as a teen, and that there were a number of things that I did that they should never do. Since the kids were toddlers, I've drilled into them that they must graduate from high school, go to college, get married and THEN have a baby. I want so much more for them than what I had. My teenage and early adult years could've been really good, but I made a lot of mistakes that I don't want to see them repeat. They're good kids, and I want the best for them.